Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Spotted in New Orleans.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm