@bossy_bootz

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

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@whatsJo

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

@ArfMeasures

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

@VerbsRProudest

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

@Xalqee

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

@Deirdreocx

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.