Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.


COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there


When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.


If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?


Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?


Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.