If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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how much does a mortician urn in a year
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Fat chances are my favorite chances
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.