Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
not for long
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “