This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants