I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle