Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian