I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?