A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
concern
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.