I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Damn he played himself
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.