When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
got so much cardio in today
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never