I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
You Might Also Like
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.