Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.