I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”