Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler