If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts