{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
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I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
can’t talk my ride’s here
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
(True)
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.