I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
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Okay
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
#Caturday
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre