wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”![]()
You Might Also Like
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
![]()
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
You can’t outrun your problems…
![]()
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten