Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

pelicons

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

My neck, my back, my…

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.