i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Happy Febuary everyone!
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
12. I think about this all the damn time
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?