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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
decorating my apartment
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…