[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.