[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me too, bag. Me too….
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
This is hilarious….
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us