The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Vodka burrito was a success
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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.