someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
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The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Are we there yet?…
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.