[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
mariah carrie
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”