Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
inventing words: clothing
Many hands make light work
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[eulogy]
line?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first