[eulogy]
line?
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”