When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.