God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
181.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.