pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
best review i’ve ever seen
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*