While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
You Might Also Like
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
There’s always that one guy
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.