Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Matt Goss
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.