Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist