Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I’m calling the cops.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Ah yes. The three genders
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.