Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Matt Goss
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die