my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Wise advice
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.