Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No