Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Jogging
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.