Jogging
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.