DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
The two types of wives
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys