Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.