Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad