I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.