The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
You Might Also Like
Finally
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.