They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
One of the best
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”