wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.