WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
A game married people play.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
philosophical skeletons be like
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.