philosophical skeletons be like
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Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.