[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.