[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening