Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?