Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
channeling her this year
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Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him