Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.