Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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August 8
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.