Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.