Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs