Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
That lamp looks PISSED.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Ok but actually
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…